College Identity
Nathanael Szobody on I was recently asked by a friend what I thought college did for the identity of the students. The university likes to tell us that college is where we’ll ‘find ourselves.’ I appreciate the thoughtfulness of the question, and appreciate even more the opportunity to think on it myself!
From what I can observe the effect on the individual’s identity varies greatly between genders. The common factor though, is that young people think they can leave home and create for themselves the identity they want. Up to this point parents have “stifled their lives” and “restricted their creativity;” now that they have left home they can “be whoever they want to be!” Whatever character flaws they may have exhibited growing up were only in reaction to their parents “irrational authoritarianism;” now their truly “good” self is free to express itself.
This new identity for guys comes in the form of fantasy experiences. They can have fun being ‘men.’ They’ll drink on the weekends, work out during the week, charm the girl friend and, for some, act interested enough in theology/philosophy/politics to be considered mature. Of course the predominant drive is usually the sexual.
Girls also have a fantastical identity. But their identity is not so much in experiences as it is in relationships. Girls want a stabile, emotionally fulfilling relationship. There are those that they have with other girls, but the culture and emotional drive is to have a relationship with a guy.
Within the context of a college campus then, we find a bunch of guys looking for sexual experiences (and I use the term ‘sexual’ in the broadest sense) and a bunch of girls looking for relationships. It doesn’t take long for them to figure out how to get what they want from the opposite sex–at least superficially. The guys know that to have fun with a girl, to get the date, the smile, the approval, they have to say and do those things which will have meaning for a girl form an emotional, relational perspective. For the guy these things have far less meaning, but they serve to get what they want. The girls have also figured out that to sustain a relationship with guys they have to be willing to ‘have fun’ with the guy. It’s an exchange that is learned and used to get what each party wants without really understanding the basic motives of the other party.
I believe these relationships serve to shape the identity of students far more than anything the school itself does. Because identity is culturally defined in a social context, not so much in formal education.
This arrangement can end up being disastrous–as we can clearly observe in our culture. Girls either don’t measure up to the narrow culture definition of ‘attractive’ and are thus left out of the cross-gender exchange, or they have been frustrated in one relationship after another when they discover that guys really have no interest in an honest stabile relationship, and so they despair of ever obtaining a positive identity. Guys don’t realize that the fun is what they use to distract themselves from the real need to use their ambition and energy to serve in the relational context. For what they look for in the experiences is what they don’t have as soon as the experience has passed, but what they would always have in a sacrificial relationship. So the quest for their identity becomes more like a game of chasing bubbles that pop as soon as they are touched. Nevertheless there are still many more shining bubbles, so they keep chasing.
Comments ( 10 )
as for dealing with others who do not have this perspective, you have to be patient and willing to wait. its the secret of contentment with the relationships you have been given until the right time when you find the right person. but to know if it is the right time and the right person you have to be ready to take your time. enjoy your friends, but also be aware of what they say and do and what thier motives are--what is driving them. i have many very close friendships with people at school that i never would have had the opportunity to develop if i had a girl friend. there is blessing in whatever you have been given. the secret is having the perspective that can appreciate it.
My other thought is that I don't like the idea of "finding myself" at all. When did I get lost? Obviously we are all lost without Christ, but I don't think going to college (even a Christian college) will fix that problem.
Just some thoughts. Take 'em or leave 'em.
what does effect the identity of a student is the nature of thier relationships with other students at school.
i say this because i think everyone's identity is shaped in relationship to others. from day one we are learning about who we are through our relationship with our parents and siblings.
the problem is in the misuse of relationships with other people to serve selfish ends rather that recognizing the all sufficient relationship with christ that he has already established.
either way, our identity is inevitably shaped by our relationships.
this makes sense because the purpose of our creation was to dwell in the presence of god and to enjoy a relationship with him. we were created for his glory, but throughout the scriptures--especially the old testament--god's glory is spoken of in reference to his relationship with and among his people and the reputation of that relationship. this is how our identity is formed.
as a side note, all these things can be argued to be various relationships which we have that shape our identity. they will only make sense, though, in the context of faith and our primary relationship in christ.
similarly, if our faith is an all encompassing relationship with christ, then the things which you mention--morals, ethics, etc.--will only make sense as they relate to christ and his will. otherwise there's no standard.
then indeed, faith and truth will become intensely personal.